what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
