I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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