I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
