i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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