I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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