He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
