Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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