she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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