I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
