four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
