I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
