Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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