So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I licked your asshole in confidence.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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