He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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