i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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