Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.