When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
