Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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