Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
