Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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