You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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