shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
