Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
