Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
