All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
