I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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