I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
