we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
