all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
