everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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