tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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