I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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