I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
