I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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