He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
