Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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