Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
