Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
