just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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