Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
