how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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