Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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