Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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