Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
