me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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