ya dads aren't the best wingmen
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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