i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize