I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
