Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
