Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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