I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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