Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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