can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The best revenge is premature balding
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
