Don't make out with my wife yet
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
