the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
