If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
